🗽 No Kings (But Millions of Mini-Uprisings)

A collaboration of Dr. Jess and Pope Richard

This weekend, the streets erupted—not for MAGA hats or MAGA boards, but against them. Americans didn’t just want to cancel a king; they showed up in hoodies and with hand-painted fury. Across car caravans and street corners, the message was clear: “We don’t want a crown—or the kind of king who thinks a military parade is democracy.” Millions participated in what’s easily the biggest mass rejection of authoritarian pageantry since, well, ever. In over 2,000 locations—from Flagstaff to the Florida Keys—more than five million people rallied under banners declaring: No Kings.

🌵 Tucson, AZ: Democracy on Wheels (Literally)
Under a searing 108 °F sun in Reid Park, Tucsonans pulled off a logistical flex the Founding Fathers would envy:

  • Thousands of cars looped the city for 10 miles.
  • Thousands more converged on sidewalks to hold signs, register voters, and wave flags.
  • In total, 18,000–20,000 dirt-tangled citizens showed up to say: “Hell no to the throne.”
    Local coverage confirms that thousands mobilized despite the heat, describing it as a defiant stand against authoritarianism.

Slogans like “Let Freedom Ring. We Don’t Want a King” and “Chinga Tu MAGA” shared space with nihilistically funny ones like “Jeffrey Dahmer has fewer convictions!” One Reddit rebel summed it up: “That was a fantastic day. Fell in love with our city all over again.”

🏞 Spearfish, SD: Small-Town Cinematic Satire
In Spearfish—a town smaller than a Costco parking lot—about 100 locals turned their whistling-willow peace into protest art:

  • Signs read “No Faux King Way!” and “Turd Reich.”
  • One speaker held a sign declaring: “I’m here for my grandma. She didn’t think she’d protest Nazis twice.”

Oh, and a taco-costumed dog ambled along with “#TACO #NoKings,” turning political acronyms into performance art. The event wrapped not with bombast but with laughter, lawn chairs, and the quiet power of people who know that mockery is a moral weapon. In Spearfish, the protest didn’t roar—it grinned.

☀️ Florida & the Deep South: Rebel Gators with Ballots
Even in the heart of bow-tie conservatism, dissent showed up:

  • Miami: 30,000+ protesters.
  • Tampa/St. Pete: close behind.
  • The Villages: A few hundred retirees hoisted signs reading: “Old but not royal” and “I paid for Medicare. Don’t make me pledge fealty for it.”
  • Atlanta: 20,000+ students and allies from Morehouse and Spelman campuses.
  • Jackson, MS: 1,500+ raising a ruckus over liberty from the capitol steps.

🚫 DC Military Parade: Empty Streets, Full Tanks (Literally)
Meanwhile, in D.C., the administration blew through $25 to $45 million on what can only be described as a military fever dream: 6,600 troops, 128 tanks, enough missiles to make Freud uncomfortable… and, inexplicably, two donkeys.

Attendance? Not exactly the royal welcome they’d scripted. Official claims floated 250,000, but independent coverage put it closer to “tens of thousands”—with whole sections of bleachers ghosted like a canceled prom. Vanity Fair called it “low-energy and poorly attended,” and by Saturday afternoon, Gen Z had already flooded TikTok with faux-apologies for skipping the spectacle. “Sorry I missed the parade,” one post read, “my democracy had plans.”

📊 Final Scorecard: People vs. Pageantry

FeaturePeople Power “No Kings”Military Parade
Participants5 million+ nationallyTens of thousands (claim: 250k)
Cost to Taxpayers$0 – grassroots fueled$25–45 million + infrastructure wear
ThemesDemocracy, public services, anti-authoritarianMilitarism, spectacle, authoritarian vibes
Media CoverageOrganic virality, local-to-national momentumContrived, underwhelming visuals

💬 Closing Thoughts
This wasn’t some elite woke echo chamber—it was the suburbs, college towns, retirees, small towns, and immigrant communities rising in unison. They remembered history’s red flags—literal and metaphorical—and said: Not today, not ever. This weekend, Americans reaffirmed the Constitution doesn’t need a crown. And with hoodies, tacos, and taco-dogs, they made it abundantly clear:

No Kings. Chinga Tu MAGA.