Correlation ≠Causation (Even If the Raccoons Say So)
Humans are walking myth machines. We are wired to seek story, to make meaning, to connect the cosmic dots into something—anything—that explains why our cat vomited at 3:17 a.m. the same day Mercury went retrograde.
We crave order. But the universe? She’s more of a free-range improv artist.
Here’s the uncomfortable (and hilarious) truth: just because two things happen together doesn’t mean they cause each other.
Welcome to the classic logical blooper known as: correlation ≠causation.
And in the Cult of Brighter Days, we hold both the absurdity and the science of it with reverent irreverence—and a suspicious side-eye toward lava lamps.
🪅 The Absurd Examples (a.k.a. The Fun Part)
Every time I eat tacos on a Tuesday, the stock market doesn’t crash. Coincidence? Or is my guacamole consumption the thin guac-line holding capitalism together?
Shark attacks and ice cream sales both spike in summer. Obvious conclusion: the sharks want sprinkles. Or maybe they’re just lactose-intolerant and lashing out.
Nicolas Cage appeared in fewer movies after 2010… and divorce rates also dropped. Did fewer Cage films save marriages? Spiritually? Absolutely. Statistically? Don’t @ me.
My neighbor bought a lava lamp. The raccoons stopped raiding his trash. Either raccoons have upgraded their aesthetic standards or we’re one step away from them opening a Pinterest account.
Apparently, when we drink less milk, we also set fewer things on fire.
So either dairy rage is real, or lactose is secretly flammable.
Either way, someone get the cows on a peacekeeping mission—this world is crispy enough.
And let’s not ignore the obvious: Bishop Sara and Wonder Woman have never been seen in the same room.
I’m not saying it’s proof. But I’m also not not saying it.
🔬 The Science Bit (a.k.a. Reality, But Make It Tender)
Correlation = Two things happen at the same time.
Causation = One thing actually makes the other thing happen.
Confounding variable = The sneaky third thing driving both.
Let’s break it down like a bishop-led TED Talk with a glitter pointer:
Correlation: Kids eat more ice cream in summer AND get more sunburns.
Causation: The sun is behind both. Also, poor life choices.
Without investigating those hidden third variables, we’re just raccoons connecting red yarn between thumbtacks and calling it “research.”
✨ A Public Health PSA from the Cult of Brighter Days ✨
Because spiritual rebellion includes accurate medical information:
- If they can’t pronounce acetaminophen, they probably shouldn’t prescribe anything stronger than chamomile.
- If their diploma says “University of YouTube,” thank them, smile, and then call your actual doctor.
- Essential oils are lovely, but they’re not re-growing your kidneys, sweetheart.
- Your cousin’s Facebook group with glitter angels is not a licensed clinic.
- Hydrate. Medicate. Vaccinate. Eliminate pseudoscientific clickbait.
We love miracles here—but they work better when paired with science and real doctors (and not your neighbor’s moon crystal foot bath).
🕯️ Why This Matters Spiritually
Lazy logic leads to dangerous theology.
False causation is how people get scapegoated, how superstitions spiral into cruelty, and how entire communities get blamed for weather patterns. Blaming the rain on witches didn’t make anyone drier. It just made a lot of brilliant women very, very dead.
In the Cult of Brighter Days, we honor the mystery—but we don’t weaponize coincidence. We ask better questions. We laugh at our own weird wiring. We resist the urge to draw dotted lines between things that just… are.
So no, Nicolas Cage didn’t save your marriage. But if watching “National Treasure” helped you hold hands again, that counts as holy.
🎠The Third Tenet Tie-In
This is where the sacred sass kicks in:
If you can’t be kind, be nice.
If you can’t be nice, be funny—without punching down.
Humor is holy when it points out absurd patterns, not people. When it flips systems, not souls. When it leaves the raccoons alone and instead questions the glitter-wielding anti-vax Instagram oracle.
Sacred laughter saves us from taking bad ideas too seriously—or ourselves not seriously enough.
đź’Ą The Punchline
Correlation doesn’t equal causation.
But laughter does equal survival.
So when someone sends you a graph proving that pirate populations prevent climate change, don’t panic. Grab an eye patch, raise your grog, and toast the beautiful nonsense of this radiant, ridiculous world.
And if someone insists Bishop Sara and Wonder Woman are secretly the same person?
Let’s just say we don’t confirm rumors in the Cult of Brighter Days.
But we also don’t waste a good lasso of truth.
