Markets are supposed to move based on information. Good earnings reports, inflation data, changes in monetary policy — predictable triggers for price shifts. In theory, the President of the United States should be the economic grown-up in the room, the designated driver for a drunk, twitchy stock market. In practice, under President Trump’s current administration, we’ve witnessed something altogether different: intentional economic sabotage dressed up as governance with a red power tie and a spray tan.
The method? Tragically simple. Trump makes a provocative statement—about tariffs, interest rates, overseas conflicts, or whatever his Magic 8-Ball of Chaos recommends that morning—with zero meaningful policy action behind it. The announcement injects deliberate instability into the markets. Stocks swing. Retail investors panic-sell. Economic indicators wobble like Jell-O in an earthquake drill.
But for a select inner circle—the billionaire choirboys, the well-positioned cronies, the friends who can read the subtext between Trump’s all-caps tantrums—this isn’t chaos. It’s a harvest festival. They aren’t scrambling; they’re shopping. When you know the soufflé is about to collapse, you don’t mourn the pastry. You set out the Tupperware, because leftovers taste like profit.
Consider early April 2025. On April 2, dubbed “Liberation Day” (because nothing says “freedom” like global economic heart attacks), President Trump announced sweeping tariffs affecting nearly every sector of the U.S. economy. Markets responded like a fainting goat startled by a leaf blower: the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped over 4,000 points in 48 hours — the largest two-day loss in history.
Then, on April 9 at 9:37 a.m., Trump posted on his personal temple of ego, Truth Social: “THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BUY!!! DJT.” Less than four hours later, he announced a pause on reciprocal tariffs for all countries except China. The markets, predictably, snapped back like a rubber band, soaring.
Options trading volumes spiked suspiciously right before the announcement. Apparently, some folks brought umbrellas before the sudden rainstorm. Democratic members of Congress, including Minority Leaders Hakeem Jeffries and Chuck Schumer, called for investigations into what increasingly resembled insider trading — but not the dusty kind you find in law books. This was insider trading by quantum superposition: the information both existed and didn’t, until it conveniently collapsed into wealth.
Normally, insider trading requires proving someone whispered forbidden knowledge in a smoky room. What’s happening here is more elegant—and more corrupt: manufacturing volatility itself. The “right” people—those harmonized with the Prosperity Gospel of DJT—are already in position. They don’t need whispered secrets; they just need the soufflé recipe and a kitchen timer.
It’s an economic potluck where the rich know exactly when dinner’s about to be served, while everyone else shows up late to find nothing but sadness casserole. Retirement accounts shrink. Grocery bills swell. Hope gets repoed, neatly itemized in someone else’s yacht fund.
Meanwhile, the architects of the collapse—smirking behind gold-plated podiums—are already at the bank, toasting your misery with tax-sheltered champagne.
This isn’t random incompetence. It’s coordinated collapse, soufflé falls included. And if you listen carefully between the squawking headlines, you can hear the faint clink of champagne glasses and the whispered prayer of the new Prosperity Gospel:
“Blessed are the market makers, for they shall inherit the earth… at discount prices.”
